Cherry On a Cupcake

Actually I have tried most things more than once.

The thing I am trying this morning is Paul McKenna.  Paul McKenna is a british hypnotist of some fame if not repute - the jury is out on that I guess, but he is more respected than not!

He wrote a book 'I can make you thin' and accompanied it with a hypnosis CD - its not mega bucks (£8.99 on Amazon this morning) and I bought it a couple of years ago.

I have been hypnotised on a number of ocassions, mostly with success, so I am game to give it a go...anything to break the spiral I am in at the moment, and you never know - small pebbles make bigger ripples.  I gotta tell you that I am slightly resistant to it - more because there is a large part of me that wants to keep eating..even when I dont want to, want to, dont want to...and I dont want him messing me up and stopping me...but I do really!! Sigh - how complicated are we!

What can I tell you about the experience -- it was certainly powerful..and absolutely nothing to be concerned about doing. Paul uses his voice very well - and the stereo function saying different things in different ears simultaneously - to divert attention from both I guess....never experienced that before, its a bit like being in a room full of people and not being quite able to make out what is being said to you...weird lol.  I am to repeat the exercise each day for ......howeverlong and I will do that and await results.  The emphasis is on 'normal healthy eating' and raising self esteem, lots of visualization techniques -- all that remains is to see what effect it has.  I was going to write 'if any' - but something stopped me.  I know these hypnotists lol they are crafty like that.

The set of 'I can do's' I set yesterday..
Get up, Washed  and dressed before 9am. - done - even if I was a little late.
I can keep my hair clean and styled - done
I can put lipstick on - not done yet, but I am going out in a minute, and will apply before I leave.
Make the bed after I have dressed - done
I can load the dishwasher FIRST thing in the morning if it needs it. - emptied and filled again
I can wipe down the granite worktops  - I even polished
I can put the rubbish out and replace the bags - done
I can put a load of washing on each morning - if needed.- wow I suprised myself - done.
I can do half an hours ironing a morning - if needed. - I emptied the tumble dryer and folded contents - does that count?
I can keep my fridge free of 'old leftovers' - havent checked it yet - will do it when I put shopping away after shopping trip in a jiffy.
I can tidy the sofa's in the sitting room- done.

Well thats a good start at least.  I was going to tell you what I had for breakfast, which was ok stuff, but something stopped me, dont need to do that.  Okay - I can see what is happening here....having been hypnotised more than a few times, I recognise these thought patterns - good -- I like it.

 You have a thought and then immediately it is as though someone has a chalk board erazer and wipes it and the word magically change to something else.

I guess its good to alter your thinking ....and why not!

Cherry~

For the first time ever in our very long marriage -- 33years long, my husband took a snipe at my eating habits.  He asked my daughter if she wanted some potato chips while watchign TV -- and she said 'yes' - so I did to!.   "I dont know why you two bother dieting" he said.

I have to tell you it was like a smack round my head...there has never been anything other than total support from him regarding my weight - this is the first time since I have known him - that he has ever ever said anything negative....and its not even really negative - just feels like it.

Sitting here feeling really ..well, blergh is about the only thing I can say about it.

Why am I feeling that way?  I just ate my way through a whole packet of shortbread biscuits thats why.

So - tell me something thats new - its all I seem to do these days - stuff my face - and sit in front of the computer wasting my life.

I got to thinking about how things change, and how there was at one point, a time when I would never be in the house, I would rather be out than in, and would find excuses to get out and do something - anything, rather than stay in the house.  I cant remember when it was exactly -- when the children were at school obviously...so its probably ten years ago...but I wonder how I can have gotten to the complete opposite , when sometimes I 'cant be bothered' so much that I dont even get dressed...not all day!.

I dont work -- I have no real need to work, I have no children at home ,I have my time totally to myself, I could and should be using it...but do I?  I tell you something - I dont even have the energy to tidy up in the morning - and were it not that my hubby were coming home later, and would get antsy with me, I dont suppose I would clear up from one day to the next.

If I were someone else - looking at me, I might be inclined to think that I was depressed.  But I dont feel depressed - I just feel lazy....bored....cant be bothered.

The trouble with all that is, as if that feeling were not enough, I find myself eating - just for something to do half the time, and feeling sh*t about myself because I do nothing - cant be bothered to do anything, and its one continuous spiral - sit about - eat - feel bad, eat cos I feel bad - feel badder because I dont do anything and it makes me eat, round and round we go.

Stupid thing about it is, that its now getting so that everywhere is a tip (its all relative I suppose and I have seen far worse) and I hate it that its down to me.

The knock on effect of all that - and I am not sure which comes first - the chicken or the egg, is that I feel so disappointed in myself, it makes me feel pathetic, and useless - and a waste of space. The origins of those feelings and why it makes me feel that way are a moot point - but the upshot of our history is that we can let it affect us now - or we dont.  Its so silly to let childish things affect the adult -- silly - but understandable.  I am an adult though - and I can reason and I can change what I am getting -- so how do I do that.

How do I start regaining my pride - how do I become enthusiastic for my day, how do I stop this cycle of eat, laze, eat, sleep, eat eat eat....I am sure if I tackle one - the other will follow.  At the moment I think I am tackling the wrong one....I am trying to stop eating when I feel awful most of the time - and eating as they say 'for comfort' -- (how misunderstood is that phrase), perhaps I should get my proverbial house in order - get some structure back into my life - start using my days instead of letting them pass by in a fog.

So what do I feel bad about right now.

The bed is unmade,
The kitchen worktops are cluttered with old washing up and rubbish
The sewing is not put away from Tuesday
The washing is not done
The ironing is not done
The sitting room needs tidying
There are boxes of 'stuff' all over the place
Son's room is not finished.
I dont exercise
I have no real hobbies
I dont go out unless its to buy food.
I spend far too much time on the computer

The truth of the last one is that it is the cause of a lot of the others.

The trouble is that now the puter and the faceless names behind the screen are such a huge part of my life, that I simply cannot just cut myself off from it- but I do need to look at that and adopt a more reasonable approach where I can.

The other truth is that even if I were to stop using the computer - I would still function the same the rest of the time unless I take positive steps to alter it -- darn it I hate getting honest with myself.

I know if I dont though - that another day will come and another packet of biscuits (cookies) to others, and I will chomp my way through them too - and the saddest thing?  I really didnt like eating them at all....in fact I could almost say that I really didnt like them.

Okay - thats the problem - whats the solution.

Tackling that great list up there is the solution - at least it will help restore my dignity and from there its no huge leap to get my food sorted -- I know this.

It's tempting to dive headlong into it and knock myself putting right all those things, but that would just be a flash in the pan - I need to take it a bit at a time and get  some new/restored habits going on.

First thing I can tackle is keeping the house tidy.  Its not actually bad underneath the surface -- I have a lady that comes once and week and tidies my mess up (see - I said I was idle) so its just the inbetween stuff that is hanging about.

There are some things I can do though - that will make me feel better about me straight away.....and they are nothing to do with food - but I know that one will lead to the other.

I can...

Get up, Washed  and dressed before 9am.
I can keep my hair clean and styled
I can put lipstick on
Make the bed after I have dressed
I can load the dishwasher FIRST thing in the morning if it needs it.
I can wipe down the granite worktops 
I can put the rubbish out and replace the bags
I can put a load of washing on each morning - if needed.
I can do half an hours ironing a morning - if needed.
I can keep my fridge free of 'old leftovers'
I can tidy the sofa's in the sitting room

If I do all that - how long do you reckon it would take me...5+5+2+15+5+5+3+15+5+30+5+2.....thats worst case scenario....anyone good at maths?  Thats one and half hours give or take a shake of a cats tail, out of the nine or so I get to myself a day.  Not a lot is it. 

Okay - enough for today...my brain hurts with all that thinking.

Well -- here it is...Monday.  THE day! The day I PROMISED myself that I would start afresh.

Okay - lets get into numbers...I am going to forget all those 'this was my highest' and 'this is what I lost' and all that - and just tell you that this morning I weighed 319.8 -- lets call it 320lbs. Gulp!

Okay -- just watched MizFit talk about 'setting yourself up for success' and that does not include thinking about all my failures, what it includes is being positive - planning ahead and for today at least, gritting my teeth and getting on with it.

Its late (09.30) and I havent eaten breakfast yet - tut! I will keep busy today - use the plan I set out - and see what the end of the day brings.

Cherry~

I just nipped over to the blog of an favourite blogger, who won't recognise me from Adam - (although I dont spose it will take her long to guess lol) and found a great set of questions that I thought I might have a stab at -

Deb - Wonder how long it will take you to recognise me - but keep mum when you do lol.

The questions!

1. What is your favourite thing about the holiday season?
For some it means more, but for me it is about Christmas. Favourite thing has always been Family..smiles, closeness, lock down!...and the thought of the longer days - its measurable by New Year.

2. What are your top five favourite artists of all time?
Artists -- I am assuming that covers all 'art'..
Placido Domingo
Kiri Te Kanawa
Mirella Freni
Sir Geraint Evans
For art -- My daughter.

3. Who are the inspirations in your life?
Inspiration comes in many guises.  Musically - Mozart, Artistically My daughter, Dame Lynne Edwards, for her work in Arts and Crafts and for teaching me just about everything she knows. Human Nature and all it entails Nelson Mandela, Bob Geldorf, HM The Queen, Mother Theresa, The real peacemakers the world over. As far as weight loss goes, I am inspired on a daily basis by those who manage to have a plan and stick to it, and see their plan come to fruition - my hats off to each and every one of them.

4. What is the one thing you wish you would've known when you were younger.
One of my great regrets is that I was limited by others perceptions of elitism and what my 'proper' place in the scheme of things was. I wish I knew then, that I should and could have ignored them, and done it anyway.

5. Oh the basis that I am making a new start I dont have anyone  to 'tag' as yet.

Cherry~

Okay so I got this how I sorta kinda like the look of it...almost.

The cupcake thing -- that Cherry on the Cupcake, yep that exact self same one up there,  was eaten by my daughter (wasn't I good) yesterday in a Costa Coffee shop...and she said 'Ma we have to do something about dieting!' - Grrr! Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings and all that rubbish.  Notice it was she that was eating the cupcake - not me.  I was eating Carrot cake!

Monday morning is hanging over my head like a black cloud.  I would love to say I am looking forward to it - but I am not! I am looking forward even less to a daily blog...because I am by nature lazy!  The thought of logging food is a real downer - but I have to start that today - got to plan 7 lunches and 7 dinners before I go shopping this morning -- I haaaaaaaaaaaate this stuff!!  Talk about dragged kicking and screaming, but I dont wannna do itttt! I just want the results of doing it.  Life is so unfair dontchya think!

It's Thursday, and although I have very little faith in my ability to do this thing, I am going to try -- again!!

Much is said about not putting off till tomorrow, what you can do today, and generally I would agree with that.

However, I need time to prepare myself - to get my head in gear - to recognise that this is going to be it....No more excuses, the blog is done, the tracker is working well, there is an excellent pair of scales in the bathroom and in the kitchen, I have all the resources I need to cook healthy, tasty food, I have no lack of money, I have  transport to go and get food......I am good at excuses as you can probably tell. 

Just so that I can't renege tomorrow - because 'I didn't have time to plan my food'...I am giving myself a start date of Monday.  That's it. Deadline, no more messing.  I will plan next weeks food - and make sure that it is in the house in time for Monday morning.

Monday morning will be my weigh day...

There - no wriggling now....just do it.

And why not!