Cherry On a Cupcake

For the first time ever in our very long marriage -- 33years long, my husband took a snipe at my eating habits.  He asked my daughter if she wanted some potato chips while watchign TV -- and she said 'yes' - so I did to!.   "I dont know why you two bother dieting" he said.

I have to tell you it was like a smack round my head...there has never been anything other than total support from him regarding my weight - this is the first time since I have known him - that he has ever ever said anything negative....and its not even really negative - just feels like it.

Sitting here feeling really ..well, blergh is about the only thing I can say about it.

Why am I feeling that way?  I just ate my way through a whole packet of shortbread biscuits thats why.

So - tell me something thats new - its all I seem to do these days - stuff my face - and sit in front of the computer wasting my life.

I got to thinking about how things change, and how there was at one point, a time when I would never be in the house, I would rather be out than in, and would find excuses to get out and do something - anything, rather than stay in the house.  I cant remember when it was exactly -- when the children were at school obviously...so its probably ten years ago...but I wonder how I can have gotten to the complete opposite , when sometimes I 'cant be bothered' so much that I dont even get dressed...not all day!.

I dont work -- I have no real need to work, I have no children at home ,I have my time totally to myself, I could and should be using it...but do I?  I tell you something - I dont even have the energy to tidy up in the morning - and were it not that my hubby were coming home later, and would get antsy with me, I dont suppose I would clear up from one day to the next.

If I were someone else - looking at me, I might be inclined to think that I was depressed.  But I dont feel depressed - I just feel lazy....bored....cant be bothered.

The trouble with all that is, as if that feeling were not enough, I find myself eating - just for something to do half the time, and feeling sh*t about myself because I do nothing - cant be bothered to do anything, and its one continuous spiral - sit about - eat - feel bad, eat cos I feel bad - feel badder because I dont do anything and it makes me eat, round and round we go.

Stupid thing about it is, that its now getting so that everywhere is a tip (its all relative I suppose and I have seen far worse) and I hate it that its down to me.

The knock on effect of all that - and I am not sure which comes first - the chicken or the egg, is that I feel so disappointed in myself, it makes me feel pathetic, and useless - and a waste of space. The origins of those feelings and why it makes me feel that way are a moot point - but the upshot of our history is that we can let it affect us now - or we dont.  Its so silly to let childish things affect the adult -- silly - but understandable.  I am an adult though - and I can reason and I can change what I am getting -- so how do I do that.

How do I start regaining my pride - how do I become enthusiastic for my day, how do I stop this cycle of eat, laze, eat, sleep, eat eat eat....I am sure if I tackle one - the other will follow.  At the moment I think I am tackling the wrong one....I am trying to stop eating when I feel awful most of the time - and eating as they say 'for comfort' -- (how misunderstood is that phrase), perhaps I should get my proverbial house in order - get some structure back into my life - start using my days instead of letting them pass by in a fog.

So what do I feel bad about right now.

The bed is unmade,
The kitchen worktops are cluttered with old washing up and rubbish
The sewing is not put away from Tuesday
The washing is not done
The ironing is not done
The sitting room needs tidying
There are boxes of 'stuff' all over the place
Son's room is not finished.
I dont exercise
I have no real hobbies
I dont go out unless its to buy food.
I spend far too much time on the computer

The truth of the last one is that it is the cause of a lot of the others.

The trouble is that now the puter and the faceless names behind the screen are such a huge part of my life, that I simply cannot just cut myself off from it- but I do need to look at that and adopt a more reasonable approach where I can.

The other truth is that even if I were to stop using the computer - I would still function the same the rest of the time unless I take positive steps to alter it -- darn it I hate getting honest with myself.

I know if I dont though - that another day will come and another packet of biscuits (cookies) to others, and I will chomp my way through them too - and the saddest thing?  I really didnt like eating them at all....in fact I could almost say that I really didnt like them.

Okay - thats the problem - whats the solution.

Tackling that great list up there is the solution - at least it will help restore my dignity and from there its no huge leap to get my food sorted -- I know this.

It's tempting to dive headlong into it and knock myself putting right all those things, but that would just be a flash in the pan - I need to take it a bit at a time and get  some new/restored habits going on.

First thing I can tackle is keeping the house tidy.  Its not actually bad underneath the surface -- I have a lady that comes once and week and tidies my mess up (see - I said I was idle) so its just the inbetween stuff that is hanging about.

There are some things I can do though - that will make me feel better about me straight away.....and they are nothing to do with food - but I know that one will lead to the other.

I can...

Get up, Washed  and dressed before 9am.
I can keep my hair clean and styled
I can put lipstick on
Make the bed after I have dressed
I can load the dishwasher FIRST thing in the morning if it needs it.
I can wipe down the granite worktops 
I can put the rubbish out and replace the bags
I can put a load of washing on each morning - if needed.
I can do half an hours ironing a morning - if needed.
I can keep my fridge free of 'old leftovers'
I can tidy the sofa's in the sitting room

If I do all that - how long do you reckon it would take me...5+5+2+15+5+5+3+15+5+30+5+2.....thats worst case scenario....anyone good at maths?  Thats one and half hours give or take a shake of a cats tail, out of the nine or so I get to myself a day.  Not a lot is it. 

Okay - enough for today...my brain hurts with all that thinking.